4 Negative Behaviours That May Be Making You Sick
Sep 26
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Research shows that being in an unhappy marriage doesn’t just affect your emotions — it can also impact your physical health. Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in relationships, has found that chronic conflict and certain patterns of behaviour between partners can increase stress levels, weaken the immune system, and even contribute to illness over time.
At Centaur Counselling, we see how powerful it can be when couples learn to recognise and change these negative cycles. Here are four behaviours, identified in Gottman’s research, that may be quietly damaging your relationship — and your health:
1. Criticism
It’s natural to feel frustrated at times, but when complaints turn into criticism — attacking your partner’s character instead of the behaviour — it creates defensiveness and resentment. For example, saying “You never help me, you’re so lazy” is very different from “I feel overwhelmed when I do the housework alone.”
2. Contempt
Contempt is the most toxic of Gottman’s “Four Horsemen.” Eye-rolling, sarcasm, mockery, or speaking with superiority can make your partner feel disrespected and devalued. Gottman’s research has shown contempt to be the single biggest predictor of divorce — and it can also raise stress hormones that affect your body.
3. Defensiveness
When we feel attacked, it’s easy to shift the blame or make excuses. Unfortunately, this prevents real communication and escalates conflict. Over time, constant defensiveness creates distance and stops problems from being resolved.
4. Stonewalling
This happens when one partner shuts down, withdraws, or refuses to engage during conflict. While it may feel like a way to avoid arguments, stonewalling often leaves issues unresolved and the other partner feeling ignored — which adds to stress and frustration.
Why This Matters for Your Health
Living with these patterns keeps both partners in a state of ongoing stress. Studies show that couples in high-conflict relationships are more likely to experience health problems such as high blood pressure, weakened immune function, and even slower healing from illness.
The Good News
The presence of these behaviours doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. With awareness, practice, and support, couples can learn healthier ways of communicating and connecting. Counselling provides a safe space to slow down, understand the patterns, and build new ways of relating that strengthen both your relationship and your wellbeing.
At Centaur Counselling, we help couples move away from criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling — and towards understanding, respect, and teamwork.
If you’d like support in breaking these cycles, we’re here to help.
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